Welcome to The Story Project: Faces of the 1 in 4, a series where you’ll meet women of different ages, backgrounds and stages of pregnancy loss, yet within the context of remembering that they’re all mothers. You’ll also see how community has made a difference in the lives of each woman.
Today we meet Elisa Beasley. She’s a new volunteer this year, although Elisa is a woman who feels like she’s been a part of Gathering Hope for much longer than the last several months. When you meet Elisa, you instantly know that she’s a woman who carries the Spirit with her and goodness…does she ever know how to comfort with prayer. There’s a good reason we had her open both DFW and Oklahoma gatherings this year—her voice is like home. Her testimony is filled with heartbreak and hope, even much more than she’s able to cover here in this post.
ELISA, PLEASE INTRODUCE US TO YOUR BABIES..
My story can be summed up by the numbers 15, 10, 9, 1 and plus 1.
15 years I struggled through infertility.
10 is the number of pregnancies I have had, and the number of babies in heaven.
9 is the number of miscarriages I have had. Four of them were in the second trimester.
1 is for the infant death we endured.
Her name was Crea, which means “believe” in Spanish. Her pregnancy was HARD. IVs to hydrate every day, vomiting and constant bleeding kept us in and out of urgent care. She was diagnosed with Spina Bifida (where her spine isn’t being covered and leaking spinal fluid) and Omphalocele (her organs growing outside of her body) at 18 weeks. We were given the option to terminate, but that was not an option for us. She was strong and so very full of life, I used to call her my little ninja. At 28 weeks, we were considering moving our lives to Houston for a year because there was a doctor who would open my womb and perform surgery to seal her spine, put her back in my womb and allow me to bake with her. However, there were other plans for us.
At 2am, my water broke at 28 weeks. I was rushed to Fort Worth because we were told if we had her in Denton, they wouldn’t be able to save her life. She needed to be at Cook Children’s Hospital. So off we went. That started 10 weeks of bed rest, 24/7, at the hospital with a broken water bag. She was a warrior. Those 10 weeks let me get to know her unlike I think I would have, had I been going through my pregnancy in “normal” life.
I was in active labor for 12 days and on Sept 6, 2015 she was born. She was immediately taken in for surgery and 5 hours later, the doctors laid out the long list of complications. Step one, however, was to see if she would urinate since she was born with organs outside her body. By 4am, we were told her body was not responding. We asked for a brain scan and were told there was no activity. We held her, spoke to her, loved her, prayed with her. Twenty-six hours after she made her entrance, the machines making her heart beat and lungs take air were shut off. A minute later, she took her last breath in my arms.
I looked up at my dad and asked him if that was it. He nodded his head and wept. I bowed my head and prayed, “Lord, your word says we just need to have faith as small as a mustard seed. I BELIEVE with my all, that you are still doing miracles. Your word says that you can bring life to dry bones. Breathe life back into her and make her whole.”
I opened my eyes and she was still gone. I felt Him gently remind me of Isaiah 55:8 that says, “My ways are not your ways and my thoughts are not your thoughts.”
On September 7, 2015, Crea’s journey was complete. All was as it should be. I didn’t understand it and I didn’t like it, but that was my journey and all I could do about it is respond. I had a moment after she passed when I found myself in my room completely alone. There were no more monitors tracking her heartbeat, no more blood pressure cuffs or IV posts...just me in the room that had served as our nest for 10 weeks. I remember speaking with God and recounting to Him how so many people were watching our journey...so many where praying and believing. I told him, “You could have been glorified by this miracle.” Again, I felt His gentle spirit say to me, “I will be glorified in your response.”
It was from that moment that I have spent my life encouraging people to believe despite. I sure don’t know what the future holds, but I know who holds it and I am confident that He is well-able. Crea was my 9th pregnancy. I was pregnant again in January after she passed and I miscarried that pregnancy at 10 weeks. That would be my last pregnancy. I thought it was my rainbow, but I know His ways are not my ways.
One year later, on November 8, 2016, my daughter, Cara was born to her birth mom. Taken from her womb and put on my chest where she found my breast and nursed, I became an Earth Mama! My rainbow baby came through an impossible adoption. Nothing about her adoption was possible. Not the money. Not the time. Not the situation. Not even my broken heart. But remember...His ways are not our ways and his thoughts are not our thoughts.
To close my story, I used to be a youth pastor in Southern California. I was at a small prophetic conference. “I have no kids, I am barren,” I said to the speaker when he asked if I had kids. I was 23 years old and it was the first time I shared my struggle with anyone. He said, “That is not what I see. I see three kids; two boys and a girl.”
Today, I am 43. The journey has been hard. It has broken my heart and built me up. I remembered that prophecy a few months back when I was writing things that I am grateful for. I was married 2 years ago, and we are a blended family. My husband had his kids and I had Cara. In my journal, I wrote, “I am grateful for our children; 2 boys and 1 girl.” His ways are not our ways and His thoughts are not our thoughts, but if we will believe despite, He will complete what He has begun.
WHAT ABOUT YOUR EXPERIENCE LEFT YOU LOOKING FOR SUPPORT? WAS THERE ANYONE WHO SUPPORTED YOU WELL? WHAT DO YOU WISH HAD BEEN AVAILABLE IN TERMS OF SUPPORT?
I am grateful that I have courageous friends! I have said this so many times in the grief journey. I am so grateful I have friends that aren't afraid to ask the tough questions and have the excruciating conversations. I was blessed to have strong support and it drives me to reach out as often as I can, so that no woman ever feels alone in this journey.
HOW DID YOU FIND GATHERING HOPE AND WHAT HELPED YOU DECIDE TO COME? WHAT WOULD YOU TELL A MOM WHO MAY BE HESITANT ABOUT ATTENDING A GATHERING?
I found Gathering Hope through my friend, Vanessa Delgado. She and I have shared in our journeys. I was instantly drawn to GH because of its personality. I looked at the Facebook page, then the website and saw that these women were fierce!
There they were, with broken hearts, looking at each other eye to eye, giving hugs that radiate love and I thought, "They have found a way to make every mom feel as valuable as her baby!" I am a part of many, many groups and I found that outside of "I'm sorry for your loss,” there wasn't much of an exchange. Even on the Facebook feeds for GH, it is a virtual room filled with encouragers who truly know, not just feeling out of sympathy but straight from empathy. They are brave enough to talk about it and share their stories. That connection cannot be compared to anything else.
This was my first year attending and participating. I would tell a mom who was hesitant about coming to Gathering Hope, that this was made for all of us. Put away all the excuses and get to an event. As women, we find it difficult to make time for ourselves and when it comes to miscarriage and infant loss, it is so incredibly intimate and painful. At a gathering there are women whose babies left 15 years ago, some of them 15 days ago. So, no matter where you are on the journey, this place was created for you! You owe this to yourself. You are now part of a club that no one wants to be a part of—make time to meet some of its members who are just like you, trying to find their place, figuring out the “new normal” and learning to live with a broken heart. Gathering Hope was made for you.
ARE YOU INVOLVED IN OUR ONLINE COMMUNITY? HOW HAS THAT IMPACTED YOUR JOURNEY OR HEALING?
Yes! As stated above, it is so much more than just a "praying for you" or "I'm sorry" page. I truly believe people are praying and saying each woman's name. It makes such a difference in healing.
HOW HAS GATHERING HOPE MADE A DIFFERENCE IN YOUR LIFE?
I can't shout it from the rooftops enough--WE ARE NOT ALONE! Gathering Hope breathes hope into the broken everyday moments, the moments that people would think we need to "just get over". Or the moments that I am so very glad not everyone understands. Gathering Hope has given a voice to weary hearts that felt they needed to be silent and move on. But it doesn't stop there. It empowers women to take back their days, moments and memories. We honor by sharing. Sharing builds and empowers.
WHAT MADE YOU DECIDE TO VOLUNTEER WITH GATHERING HOPE? HAS THAT CHANGED ANYTHING FOR YOU?
All of the above. I am so proud and count it a privilege to serve. I knew when Crea died that this journey was not going to be wasted. Every moment of it has had a chance to have an impact, so I am happy to be serving.
WHAT IS ONE THING YOU WOULD SHARE WITH A MOM WHO FINDS HERSELF AT THE BEGINNING OF HER JOURNEY?
Three things: it's OK not to be OK. You are not the only one. It is your journey, your time frame, your pace. (There’s SO much meat in those three, but I don't want to get my preach on so I will leave it there! LOL!)
**Editor’s note: We plan to ask Elisa to elaborate and “get her preach on” in a future post!
SHARE ANYTHING THAT’S IMPORTANT TO YOUR STORY THAT WE MAY HAVE FAILED TO ASK ABOUT.
I didn't share about us disconnecting the machines with Crea until last year. I never shared about how sick she was until last year. For her 5th birthday, I felt ready to talk about it. I didn't feel, for a long time, that some would understand about us disconnecting the machines. But when I finally shared, that part of the journey was received with so much love. It helped put light into the areas where I felt so much shame.
Also, when Cara was 4 months old, Crea’s father left us. After she died, he took to drinking. He pushed for the adoption, went through the process, and when we brought Cara home, he couldn't connect. He left and I have not heard from him to this day. I was left as a single mother. All this time I wanted a family and I finally got the baby, but was alone. God knew what He was doing--He brought Brian into our lives and he has led our family with Christ as the head. I can't imagine what life would be like today without that.
The journey through this grief has been such that I have shared parts in segments as I felt ready, and that is okay.
Are you one of the 1 in 4? We invite you to connect with us online in our private Facebook group HERE. To read other installments of The Story Project, click HERE.
Photography: Judy Rodriguez, Judy Rodriguez Photography
Makeup: Jennifer Trotter, Lip Service Makeup
Hair: Monica Puckett, Memorable Occasions and Hair Design